Courtroom Testimony

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

--------------

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

--------------

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

----------------

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

--------------------

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

----------------------

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

-----------------------

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

--------------------------

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh...

------------------------------

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

------------------------------

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

-----------------------------


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

----------------------------------

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

-----------------------------------

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

----------------------------------

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

----------------------------------

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

----------------------------------

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.



(copied from http://www.amigamccc.org/journal/0709cour.htm)

-------------------------------------

 

 

A mature (over 39 3/4) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
it to the officer.
The officer examines the license.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

 

 

 

 

TOP TIPS

Circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain And check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the damn thing in the first place, you fat bastard.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so It may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you naked.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

 

 

 

HOLLYHOCK.

Before Medical School , I did National Service in the Royal Navy and gained (unusual for RN) a commission.

One day our minesweeper berthed in Cyprus where we did spells of patrolling the coast during their troubles.

Our mail came aboard and then the ship erupted as one of the sailors “lost the place” because he had received a “Dear John “ in the eagerly opened  mail. Tom eventually calmed down but declared that I was the only one he would deal with. We were only to be in harbour for a couple of hours and he wanted to reply to the distressing letter. He was shaking so much  that he could not write so he asked me to wield my pen on his behalf

First, I had to read the letter and then he dictated to me.

He started “Dear Hollyhock”…….

I demurred at this as she had signed herself “Mary”.

He explained that her father was a gardener and that after Sunday lunch, they sometimes looked at his book collection.

From this, they had decided that their nick name for Mary should be “Hollyhock” as they had found a description of the plant.

“Does well behind hedges but not so well in beds”

(From Dr JaJMcL)

-----------------------------------------

Peter Kay's one-liners

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't nderstand, such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

         
Sunday Times 12 November 2006                          Daily Mail 17 November 2006

--------------------------------

Why did the chicken cross the road?

MOSES: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FREUD: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

SADDAM HUSSEIN #2: It is the Mother of all Chickens.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed it, I've not been told!

BUDDHA: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

THE POPE: That is only for God to know.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

DARTH VADER: It can cross, but it cannot escape its DESTINY.  Join me on the dark side of the road! Do not underestimate the  power of the road!

THE CHICK-FIL-A COWS: We don't know, but someone should eat that chikin.

BILL CLINTON: Now, I will admit that while I was governor of Arkansas, I saw a lot of chickens. However, I do not know this chicken. This chicken is simply trying to gain some attention in professing to have crossed this road. This presidency will not be respond to, nor be affected by, any of the lies that this chicken concocts.

BILL CLINTON #2: I have no recollection of exposing myself to this chicken, although it may be a possibility inasmuch as I regularly adjust, lower or remove my pants in the course of normal grooming or hygienic routine, and this chicken may have been inadvertently included on one such occasion. I do, however, deny that I then directed this chicken to perform anything that would fall outside her normal duties and shake her so much as to compel her to cross the road.

JOHN F. KENNEDY: Ask not what road this chicken crossed. Ask what road you can cross for that chicken.

EEYORE: Doesn't matter. Probably will get run over anyway. Just like a chicken. Fal-de-ral and merriment. I'm going to eat my thistles.

ROSS PEROT: Now I'm glad you asked that question. Take a look at this graph, you see? Here's some of our American chickens. Over here we got some of them Japanese chickens. Now are you listening to me? It's just as plain as the nose on my face.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Ahhh, yes, chickens. Ha HA! How 'bout THAT, there Paul? You ever eat any chickens? Yessirree. Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my hand tonight's top ten list. Ha HA! The top ten reasons the New York chicken did NOT cross the road. That's right. Did NOT cross the road. Ha HA!

BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD: Huh huh huh huh huh . . . . . you said 'road'.

MARCIA CLARK: Indeed, why DID the chicken cross the road? And then we may ask where was this chicken the night of June 17? Does it know where the bloody glove was? The LAPD seems to be interested in this chicken. I think you'll find this chicken was a close confidante of OJ's.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road? "Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

JACK NICHOLSON: 'cause it frigging wanted to. That's the frigging reason.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

TEDDY ROOSEVELT: Speak softly and carry a big chicken across the road.

ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.
Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to Synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a
consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

 

---------------------

 

  Teamwork in Blair's Britain

--------------------------------

Basic, local advice

--------------------------------

This was developed as an age test by the Behavioral Science Dept. of the reputed Harvard University.

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat


Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down

------------------------

Deputy Prime Minister Prescott was in the Commons dining room the other day when the waitress came up and asked what he'd like.   "Well, love, I'd like a quicky", he said, whereupon, to his astonishment she slapped him hard across the face.   "I think you're supposed to pronounce it "quiche"", said his companion.

----------------

A Senior's Moment

A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.  I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement, which, I admit,  has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
 

 Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation  (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
 

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.  I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses  required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.  When you call me, press buttons as follows: 

1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be  communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
 

 Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman)

JUST GOTTA LOVE SENIORS!

 

-------------------------------------&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*--------------------------------

One liners etc.

>1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of
>them would have seen it.
>
>2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
>Press the hash key..."
>
>3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
>The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
>
>4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
>find any.
>
>5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
>couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
>too high."
>
>6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
>in.
>
>7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
>"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
>can't, I've cut your arms off".
>
>8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
>
>9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
>craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
>and heat it.
>
>10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
>with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
>
>11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
>Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
>
>12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "that
>sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
>
>13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
>there anything you can do for him?"
>"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
>So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
>Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
>"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
>"No, because he's really heavy"
>
>14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
>"How's that?"
>"Don't you start."
>
>15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
>
>16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
>
>17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
>I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
>
>18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
>people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
>Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
>But I think its Colin.
>
>19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round.." The
>other one says," So are you, you fat bast**d!"
>
>20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
>and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
>one off.
>
>21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
>They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'
>So that was nice."
>
>22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
>The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
>
>23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
>Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night


-----------------------------------------------

 

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!) 


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)



A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)




Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)



The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)




Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)



Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay, so that would be a good thing)

 
A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people at a certain club like that.)

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people at a certain club like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)



Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to some one you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)

 

Subject: FW: Classic Tommy Cooper(ish)

 

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
"No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That soundslike Tom Jones syndrome.
'Is it common?'
"It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.  Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad,
or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night