What to put on employee
“Since my last report, this employee
has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
“His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
“I would not allow this employee to breed”
“This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won’t be”
“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a
rat in a trap”
“When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change
“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle”
“This young lady has delusions of adequacy”
“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot”
“This employee should go far, and the sooner the better”
“Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all
“A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus”
“He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless”
“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier”
“I would like to go hunting with him sometime”
“He’s been working with glue too much”
“He would argue with a signpost”
“He has knack for making strangers immediately”
“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room”
“When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell”
“If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other
“A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens”
“A prime candidate for natural deselect ion”
“Donated his brain to science before he was done using it”
“Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t
“Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it”
“If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a
“If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change”
“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean”
“It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm”
“One neuron short of a synapse”
“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled”
“Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes”
“The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead”
finishes every task to his complete satisfaction".
"To the Navy: "If you are thinking of giving this
individual a berth then I suggest you make it a wide one"
extensive conversations with my secretary, I am unable to disprove
that this man worked for me in this period"
These are things people actually said in
court, word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
(copied from http://www.amigamccc.org/journal/0709cour.htm)
mature (over 39 3/4) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk
if you want
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car
and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen
this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
it to the officer.
The officer examines the license.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but one of my officers told me
you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you
murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Mature Ladies
the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from
the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain And
check that it has gone.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to
the object you wish to view.
Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,
but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the damn thing
in the first place, you fat bastard.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home
by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,
then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start
eating cake again.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by
running a bit slower.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next
fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak
or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough
to insulate your roof.
Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems
anyway, so It may as well look like one.
A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by
banging your feet twice on each stair.
At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next
customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.
Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date.
All he's interested in is seeing you naked.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to
'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up
liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping
trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may
find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
, I did National Service in the Royal Navy and gained (unusual for
RN) a commission.
One day our
minesweeper berthed in
where we did spells of patrolling the coast during their troubles.
Our mail came
aboard and then the ship erupted as one of the sailors “lost the
place” because he had received a “Dear John “ in the eagerly
opened mail. Tom
eventually calmed down but declared that I was the only one he would
deal with. We were only to be in harbour for a couple of hours and
he wanted to reply to the distressing letter. He was shaking so much
that he could not write so he asked me to wield my pen on his
First, I had to
read the letter and then he dictated to me.
He started “Dear Hollyhock”…….
I demurred at this as she had signed herself “Mary”.
He explained that her father was a gardener and that after Sunday
lunch, they sometimes looked at his book collection.
From this, they had decided that their nick name for Mary should be
“Hollyhock” as they had found a description of the plant.
“Does well behind hedges but not so well in beds”
(From Dr JaJMcL)
1) I saw a woman
wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then
I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and
asked him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife
to go swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't
get on with my real ladder.
5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different
names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and
stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it
worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is
probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better
have a good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My
neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous
and give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.
14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from
things they don't nderstand, such as working for a living.
15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I
think I've forgotten this before.
Sunday Times 12 November
Daily Mail 17 November 2006
Why did the
chicken cross the road?
MOSES: And God came
down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou
shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and
there was much rejoicing.
FREUD: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and
I'll find out.
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the
chicken did not cross the road.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
SADDAM HUSSEIN #2: It is the Mother of all Chickens.
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a
toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed it, I've
not been told!
BUDDHA: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will
be free to cross roads without having their motives called into
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't
anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing
walking around all over the place anyway?"
THE POPE: That is only for God to know.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was
good enough for us.
DARTH VADER: It can cross, but it cannot escape its DESTINY.
Join me on the dark side of the road! Do not underestimate the
power of the road!
THE CHICK-FIL-A COWS: We don't know, but someone should eat that
BILL CLINTON: Now, I will admit that while I was governor of
Arkansas, I saw a lot of chickens. However, I do not know this
chicken. This chicken is simply trying to gain some attention in
professing to have crossed this road. This presidency will not be
respond to, nor be affected by, any of the lies that this chicken
BILL CLINTON #2: I have no recollection of exposing myself to this
chicken, although it may be a possibility inasmuch as I regularly
adjust, lower or remove my pants in the course of normal grooming or
hygienic routine, and this chicken may have been inadvertently
included on one such occasion. I do, however, deny that I then
directed this chicken to perform anything that would fall outside
her normal duties and shake her so much as to compel her to cross
JOHN F. KENNEDY: Ask not what road this chicken crossed. Ask what
road you can cross for that chicken.
EEYORE: Doesn't matter. Probably will get run over anyway. Just like
a chicken. Fal-de-ral and merriment. I'm going to eat my thistles.
ROSS PEROT: Now I'm glad you asked that question. Take a look at
this graph, you see? Here's some of our American chickens. Over here
we got some of them Japanese chickens. Now are you listening to me?
It's just as plain as the nose on my face.
DAVID LETTERMAN: Ahhh, yes, chickens. Ha HA! How 'bout THAT, there
Paul? You ever eat any chickens? Yessirree. Ladies and gentlemen, I
have in my hand tonight's top ten list. Ha HA! The top ten reasons
the New York chicken did NOT cross the road. That's right. Did NOT
cross the road. Ha HA!
BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD: Huh huh huh huh huh . . . . . you said 'road'.
MARCIA CLARK: Indeed, why DID the chicken cross the road? And then
we may ask where was this chicken the night of June 17? Does it know
where the bloody glove was? The LAPD seems to be interested in this
chicken. I think you'll find this chicken was a close confidante of
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many
more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross
the road? "Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at
the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally
selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned
to cross roads.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who
cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved
beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would
let it take.
JACK NICHOLSON: 'cause it frigging wanted to. That's the frigging
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
TEDDY ROOSEVELT: Speak softly and carry a big chicken across the
ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT: Deregulation of the chicken's side of
the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken
was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the
competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen
Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the
chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and
implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM),
Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies,
knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people,
processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a
Program Management framework.
Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road
analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep
skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day
itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge
capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to Synergize
with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering
and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide
value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median
processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and
creating an environment which was strategically based,
industry-focused, and built upon a
consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the
chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive
towards the creation of a total business integration solution.
Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
Teamwork in Blair's Britain
Basic, local advice
This was developed
as an age test by the Behavioral Science Dept. of the reputed
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a
The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top
Minister Prescott was in the Commons dining room the other day when
the waitress came up and asked what he'd like.
"Well, love, I'd like a quicky", he said, whereupon, to
his astonishment she slapped him hard across the face.
"I think you're supposed to pronounce it
"quiche"", said his companion.
A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in
the New York Times.
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between
his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds
needed to honour it.
I refer, of
course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an
arrangement, which, I admit,
has been in
place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty
for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls
and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter
no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank
whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I
am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it
cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on
the number of button presses required
of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As
they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call
me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (a password to access my
computer is required. A password will be
you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New
(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman)
JUST GOTTA LOVE SENIORS!
One liners etc.
>1. Two blondes walk into a
building..........you'd think at least one of
>them would have seen it.
>2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
>Press the hash key..."
>3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
>The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're
>4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
>5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid
>couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No,
the steaks are
>6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant
>7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
>"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor
replied, "I know you
>can't, I've cut your arms off".
>8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
>9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire
>craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
>and heat it.
>10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
>with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
>11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
>Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
>12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
>sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not
>13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is
>there anything you can do for him?"
>"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at
>So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his
>Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
>"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
>"No, because he's really heavy"
>14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket
ball stuck up my backside."
>"Don't you start."
>15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
>16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
>17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
"Can you give me a lift?"
>I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go
>18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There
>people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my
mum or my
>Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
>But I think its Colin.
>19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your
>other one says," So are you, you fat bast**d!"
>20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
>and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the
>21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my
>They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
>So that was nice."
>22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my
arm in several places"
>The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
>23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning
when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
>Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so
far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the
you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
seems worth it.)
If you farted
consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to
create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more
The human heart
creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt
blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts
(In my next life, I
want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days
without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over
Banging your head
against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot
copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female
initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump
350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of
a football field.
pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over
27,000 taste buds.
be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
lions mate over 50 times a day.
still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
with their feet.
(Something I always
wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle
in the body is the tongue.
live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the
only animals that cannot jump.
so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine
glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was
paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is
bigger than its brain.
know some people at a certain club like that.)
have no brains.
(I know some people
at a certain club like that too.)
Polar bears are
they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that
Now that you've smiled at least
once, it's your
turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to
some one you want to bring a smile to (maybe
even a chuckle)
FW: Classic Tommy Cooper(ish)
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least
one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want
to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm
for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but
I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50
quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
"No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant
pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you
can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his
van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out
of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of
"That soundslike Tom Jones syndrome.
'Is it common?'
"It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog
is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his
teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him
down." "What? Because
"No, because he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball
stuck up my backside."
"Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
"Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's
either my mum or my Dad,
or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I
think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other
"Your round." The other one says "So are you, you
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking
battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one
and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my
driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said,
'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt
my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night
A smart-Alec ManU
supporter, spying a mounted policewoman bearing down on the crowd,
shouted up at her, "Your horse is foaming at the mouth".
As they say, quick as
a flash she replied, "So would you be if you'd been between my
legs for six hours".
A couple go on vacation to a
fishing resort in northern Minnesota.The husband likes to fish at the
crack of dawn - the wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat
out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual
assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
> ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS THAT LONDON TUBE DRIVERS HAVE MADE:
> "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your
> know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen
> married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to
> Westbound and go in the opposite direction".
> "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good
news is that
> last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great
> bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between
> East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our
> "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there
> alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the
> foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some
> together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on
> "We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see
> is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me,
> could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things
> "Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT
> professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give
it to a
> registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
> During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
> announced in a West Indian drawl: " Step right this way for
> ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not
> "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...)
"Oh go on then,
> stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going
> "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this
> hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate
> "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors
means that the
> doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your
> into the doors."
> "We can't move off because some idiot has their f***ing hand
stuck in the
> "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get
on the second
> carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
> "Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..)
Please move ALL
> belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal
> the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the
train - put
> the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away
> door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e
> "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no
smoking allowed on
> any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint,
> only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".
(Thanks to K.Lodge, 8/12/03))
The origin of man
I have a problem."
"What’s the problem, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and
all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake,
but I’m just not happy." .
"And why is that Eve?"
"God, I am lonely and bored, and I’m sick to death of
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man
"Man? What is that,God?"
"A flawed, base creature with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat
and be vain. He will be witless and will revel in childish things He’ll
be bigger than you and will like fighting, hunting and killing things.
He won’t be too smart, so he will need your advice to think properly.
He will have a very limited emotional capacity and will need to be
trained. He will look silly when he is aroused, but since you’ve been
complaining. I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your
physical needs. And you most certainly will never be bored again!"
"Sounds great", says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows,
"but what’s the catch, God?"
"Well, you can have him on one condition."
"And what’s that God?"
"As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant and sel-admiring.., so you’ll
have to let him believe I made him first. And it will have to be our
little secret. You know, woman to woman."
This is from ‘The Age’ : - a Melbourne broadsheet.
This is an ad in ‘The Age’ that received numerous calls:
“Single black female seeks male companionship, ethnic background unimportant. I am a very good looking girl who loves to play. I love
long walks, camping and fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candle light dinners have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the
right way and watch me respond. I’ll be at the front door when you get
home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I’m yours. Call 9224 2222 and ask for Daisy.”
Over 5,000 men answered and found themselves
talking to the RSPCAabout an eight-week
old black Labrador puppy!
With thanks to Dr Mike Smith
Dining Out - submitted
by Dr Paul Thomas
This is pretty neat how
it works out.
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST
It takes less than a minute.......
Work this out as you read. Don't cheat and read the bottom until
you've worked through it!
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to
have dinner out. (try for more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)
3. Add 5. (for Sunday)
4. Multiply it by 50 - I'll wait while you get the
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1753.... If you
haven't, add 1752..........
6.. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number .
The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have eat out each week.)
The next two numbers are...
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it IS!!!!!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2003) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND
WHILE IT LASTS. IMPRESSIVE, ISN'T IT?